Anxious

After a few nights of very little sleep. I'm sitting here on the couch bleary-eyed and crawling out of my skin. I don't get anxious about much but today is a big day. As it also turns out both boys are sick. Poor L. came down with what looks to be a horrendous cold. He's been requiring Advil for the sore throat and the nose is going like a broken faucet. E. coughed in his sleep all night.

This will not make for a fun afternoon. As a result of the untimely colds, I'm keeping E out of school this morning to rest both body and mind. He'll be challenged enough by the doctor this afternoon. What I'll do with L. to keep him entertained for the hour is beyond me. Perhaps I can scrounge up the DVD player and a movie he hasn't seen in very long time. It could buy us some precious minutes of sanity. Ok it could buy me a few minutes of sanity.

Now for some of you, you know why E. is being tested. We have always known that there has been something unique and unsettling about E. From the beginning he was an alert and charming baby. Complained very little. More interested in observing then eating. Content to just be parked where the action was and throw in some skill based toys, he was delighted.

He has always been incredibly independent. A pioneer. At big and crowded play dates I'd put him down and he'd be gone like a shot, never looking back but never ever mixing with his peers. He didn't cry when I left the room. Never really babbled. Never asked questions. Seemed that he tried talking early but decided it wasn't for him. Finally started chattering after meeting his Grandfather (like me with the gift of gab) at 14 months and hasn't closed his mouth since.

The big clues were at 16 months when he started to read store signs. Driving a long and identifying Sears, Home Depot, Tim Hortons. Then it progressed to other more complicated sight words. Then by age two we had covered all the written words for everything a house could hold and moving on to the outside world.

At age three he started reading primary and grade one readers and picked up a pen and started writing. Though I had not realized that he had been writing the alphabet from age 2. I just thought it was normal for a child to scratch out their ABC's. It didn't seem so very complicated and he did it with such ease that it didn't come as any big surprised.

At age 3 1/2 he was studying astronomy texts and proved to have a capacity to memorize even the most minute of details. When he started drawing constellations with magic markers then labeling the drawings (in textbook style) instead of drawing stick people and houses. It started dawning on us that this was more than a mere idle past time.

Now all that is just wonderful but along with comes other issues. E though very smart for his age is also very immature for his age. He is going on 5 but is likely more about 3 1/2 years of age in emotional maturity. He realizes that he is different from his peers and often winds up isolated as a result. Common ground can be surprisingly hard to find in SK. He doesn't have the "friendship" skills that his peers seem to have. He can probably recall all 68 moons of Jupiter (many of them only having number codes as names) but he cannot dress himself without my help. Has no desire to play the silly games his friends play and has no patience to teach them his.

We butt heads all the time. Our relationship sometimes feels so complicated, neither of us liking each other all that much at times. Then other times as close as two people can be. I often feel like I'm doing something really wrong. We should not be so polarized. My girlfriends all make it look so easy. Why do I feel like I'm struggling so much? Why? Likely because their kids are not E. *sigh*

I have no confidence in my parenting where E is concerned and I think a lot of it comes from not believing its true. There is still some shred of hope that our boys can grow up in the "norm". Ok, so that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. So we are taking E for testing to try and quantify his IQ. It doesn't quantify his potential though. There are no tests for that. His potential largely falls on his own shoulders but we need to find him a path where he can let his intellect fly and try and round him out with the "common ground" that is otherwise not easily obtained.

What we do know for sure. He will not be in the regular school board system for much longer. I have a bet that he will not make it to January at this point. He hates school. Can you imagine a 5 year old declaring that he hates school. That just isn't normal. It breaks my mommy heart too. It also means that L.'s path is going to be altered too. I'm sitting here blogging to you and L, who is 3 years-old, is spelling out "ice cream shop" and "mailbox" with magnetic letters. He's got the spelling correct too. Last night our family past time was a math game. A pad of paper and each of us taking turns to come up with math equations to answer. Not the norm considering for the last year and a half we've been trying to dumb our kids down so that they could enjoy a normal school life. How foolish was that?

Yah...Um I can't make simple change. Where did these apples fall from?

I have a feeling that from this point on. Everything changes.