She's no longer an earthbound angel. Today she flew away. Blessed were the winds that touched her wings. Gentle were the heavenly trade winds that carried her up. Fly, fly away. I heard the birds were envious of her span. Sweet angel who touched the hearts of everyone who knew of her.
It's Sunday. I love Sundays. Nuzzling my face deep into the luscious smell of my son's still baby-scented hair during church. Sure I was supposed to be listening but sometimes God has his own way of speaking to a mother's heart. My youngest son is squirmy and silly. Keeping him reined in during mass means he sits for the most part, in my lap, wrapped tightly in my arms while I get to hug on him. I am not sure if he thinks of this as "me" time or if he thinks of it as punishment but I think of it often as a little slice of heaven.
Our traditional late day breakfast of pancakes and coffee served up to the most ferocious of appetites. Each Sunday I mutter at myself in wonder that I haven't put most of it together the day before. Why am I always starting from scratch when I know we're starving and impatient? My usual denial of the best laid plans. Artful procrastination.
Sometimes K, takes the kids off for an afternoon activity or for a visit with their Nana giving me an opportunity for some peace and quiet. I usually spend that time planning or implementing meal preparations or baking treats for the kids lunches for the week ahead. Today is no different.
I'm getting an extra special treat today. The windows are all open and I'm enjoying picking at the oatmeal cookie dough while also enjoying a nice cold beer. My birds are carrying on a cheerful dialogue. Robbins are bobbing about in the back yard. This morning I spotted some herbs poking their sleepy tendrils up through the spring-time debris. The wafts of BBQ on the breeze and dogs giving each other the what-for from behind their perspective fences. The world is waking up all around me and it's a fabulous thing to witness.
I am so grateful for my time alone to cherish it outside of my normal chaotic rush. I get the chance to take a deep breath and linger. I get to imagine the smiles on my boys faces as they race up the drive to greet me with news of their happenings. I look forward to kissing my husband a welcome back and folding my family back into their home, under my wing.
But for the next hour, I'll just enjoy watching the sunlight stream across the room and fall into a big puddle of warmth on the hallway floor with that old wiener dog sprawled top side down, in the middle. He's dreaming lazy dog dreams of greatness. On a day like today, anything is possible.
This time of year always makes me so much more aware of what is around me and coming from within me. The weight of my relationships. The weight of my service to my family and the world. There is a line from my favourite movie that says "I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice- it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and 'die'. The storybooks are bullshit!"
That quote doesn't mean that I am disenchanted with my life. Just the opposite. It is because I am so grateful that I am drawn to examine that life. This time of year calls me to ask myself, how can I live this life better? What more I can contribute? How best can I serve someone other than myself? How to better understand my world and my role in it and ultimately, who I am because of it. Love is messy. How can I embrace that? What can I do with these jagged pieces of the world, to put them in order? How do I fit into that puzzle without becoming pierced by the sharp edges? How do I stay passionate and connected? How do I stay invested?
What would you do for love? How has it touched your heart?